Humor or Humour, as described in the Oxford English dictionary, is "the quality of being amusing, the ability to perceive this state of mind, to keep a person contented by doing so, as he or she wishes".

Humor is usually at the expense of something, or someone else, but the objective of this area of this site is to bring a smile to somebody's face, in these trying and difficult times. If you found this area amusing let us know, and we are always looking for new material, so that everyone can get a good chuckle too. Click here to contact us.

Hopefully the content will not offend anyone, but it should stated than none of this humor is original to this site or it's owners, and no liability or responsibility will be taken. But thank you to all contributors. It should also be noted that some of this content is not suitable for children or teenagers, you have been warned.

Microsoft Cars:

The top nine things that would be different if Microsoft built cars.

1. A particular model of year wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some reason, you would have to just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% on the roads.
6. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft's cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to MS Gas (tm) for fuel to run it.
9. New seats will force everyone to have the same size butt.

Blonde Jokes:

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

- she called me to get my phone number.
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- she tried to drown a fish.
- she thought a quarterback was a refund.
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
- she tripped over a cordless phone.
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius."
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
- she studied for a blood test.
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
- she sold the car for gas money.
- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital...:

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ..."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.....

How to Impress Men & Women:

Guys how to impress a woman:

Wine her,

Dine her,

Call her,

Hug her,

Support her,

Hold her,

Surprise her,

Compliment her,

Smile at her,

Listen to her,

Laugh with her,

Cry with her,

Romance her,

Encourage her,

Believe in her,

Pray with her,

Pray for her,

Cuddle with her,

Shop with her,

Give her jewelry,

Buy her flowers,

Hold her hand,

Write love letters to her,

Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

Women how to impress a Man:

Show up naked... Bring food & beer... Don't block the TV...Don't touch the remote.

One Liners:

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing !

He who laughs last thinks slowest !

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Double your drive space - delete Windows !

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free ?

Assassins do it from behind.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART ?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

Guilty:

A husband is at home watching a football game when
His wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway
It's been flickering for weeks now" ?

He looks at her and says angrily. "fix the light ?
Now, does it look like I have a G.E logo printed on my forehead ?
I don't think so."

Well then, could you fix the fridge door ? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "fix the fridge door ?
Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead ?
I don't think so."

Fine," she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead ?
I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar !!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to
go home and help out.
As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "well, when you left I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice, well-built, young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

The husband said, "so, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "hellooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead ?"

Desert Island:

There was a man who had been stranded on a desert island for the last twenty years, when all of a sudden a beautiful girl steps up from the sea, wearing a wet suit that accentuates her figure.

She: "Would you like a cigarette ?"
He: "Sure." - she takes one from her wet-suit, she lights it, and he smokes it.

She: "Would you like a martini ?"
He: "Sure." - she takes the very special 007 shaken, not stirred, martini from her wet suit, and he drinks it.

Then she says, with a gleam in her eye: "Would you like to play around?"
He: "I don't tell me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Marry again ?:

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you marry again ?"
"I would !"
"And would you let her come into my house ?"
"I would !"
"Would she be working in my kitchen ?"
"She would !"
"Would she sleep in my bed ?"
"She would !"
"Would she put her clothes in my closet ?"
"She would !"
"Would she have my BMW ?"
"She would !"
"Would she use my golf clubs ?"
"DEFINITELY NOT !"
"Why ?"
"She's left-handed !"

English:

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so...manly =You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?=I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?=I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage =I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Marketing:

Several women I know have asked me for an explanation of Marketing.
Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
-- That's Spam.